Parenting Isn't For Cowards
It's a book title, but it's also a summarization of my feelings. Last night I was able to voice alot of my frustrations with my parenting, as well as my fears of being a parent. This is such an accomplishment for me, as the skill of burying my feelings and emotions reaches epic proportions. I feel that if I don't learn how to express my feelings, I will never really be free of the baggage that I carry. But oh, is it easier said than done. So, as I struggle to express these feelings, I hope that they will begin to release their grip on me.
As I begin to write the other day, the words begin to spill out of my mind and into my fingers and I felt the need to read my own words to really see exactly how I felt. I think the chains are now broken, but the scars left behind must heal. Then I can begin to put this behind me. To not dwell on the past and bring it into my future, but to learn from it, to be a better person because of it. I don't want to have it hovering over my head that my childhood, specifically my teenaged years and early twenties were so difficult. My goal? To see the reality, but then move on. No, I don't want to dwell on my parenting all my days or use it as a crutch. But I simply must see it for what it was. Painful. Hurtful. Distrustful. Lonely. Chaotic. How do you reason with that which was unreasonable? I think that my mind is finally accepting that which encompassed years and years of feelings. I have shut them out, blocked them out for fear of re-living them.
I have done what I can to keep the peace these last several years. And for the most part, it has worked. But the truth is that it can also be an emotional rollercoaster of moods and conversations. You never know what the mood will be, whether there will be anger or disappointment on the other end of the phone, or a cheerful voice. You don't know if your decisions will be accepted with pride or with disdain. It's as if I am walking on a balance beam and have to defend a push or a shove as I walk. It seems that sooner or later I it is inevitable that I fall, or fail.
As I had a phone conversation the other day, another realization hit. Nothing has really changed. The control, the erratic conversations, the undefined questions. They are all the same. They have a different target these days, but for it to come back to me, all I need is the "right" scenario, and it would happen all over again. And this CANNOT be. How do I begin to protect myself? Do I know how?
Blogging has been very therapeutic for me over the last year. It is refreshing to see how other people deal with life. I have been able to meet some of these people in person and cherish their friendship. Others are miles away, and we will more than likely will not meet this side of heaven. When I was reading on how a fellow blogger responded to the unkind words of her mother, I was astonished at her response. Because she OWNED her feelings and what her mother said did not affect them. I will be 30 this year and I feel like I am finally discovering my independence when it comes to decisions and feelings. I am no longer hiding behind the curtain on the stage, I am building the confidence to stand in front of the audience without trembling.
Reading other people's stories also brings up feelings that I missed out. Missed out on making memories with my dad that I can cherish for the rest of my life. I have the memories of accompanying him to the photo lab. Him occasionally picking me up from school. I realize that having a dad is something that many others envied. I can't take that for granted, but it could have been so much more. I can count on one hand the gifts that I have received my from dad from the age of 5 to the present. A Music Machine record right before my sister was born. A bell from a trip to Canada. The Little Mermaid movie (which my mom thought was evil and didn't want us to watch). The movie Rear Window. Ropers for a western event in jr. high. I cannot think of a single time that he took me somewhere just to go. There was never "let go somewhere together" whether it be the movies, or dinner, or anything. Yes, there was love, but the necessary demonstration of that love was absent. I realize now how important that is to a girl, and how searching for it in others can never really replace it.
The pieces of my life are beginning to be glued back together. Yes, they were broken, by both sets of parents, but they are not ruined. I will not let them be. The pieces will instead become a beautiful mosaic, transformed and changed.
Thank you for being there for me as I go through this journey.
As I begin to write the other day, the words begin to spill out of my mind and into my fingers and I felt the need to read my own words to really see exactly how I felt. I think the chains are now broken, but the scars left behind must heal. Then I can begin to put this behind me. To not dwell on the past and bring it into my future, but to learn from it, to be a better person because of it. I don't want to have it hovering over my head that my childhood, specifically my teenaged years and early twenties were so difficult. My goal? To see the reality, but then move on. No, I don't want to dwell on my parenting all my days or use it as a crutch. But I simply must see it for what it was. Painful. Hurtful. Distrustful. Lonely. Chaotic. How do you reason with that which was unreasonable? I think that my mind is finally accepting that which encompassed years and years of feelings. I have shut them out, blocked them out for fear of re-living them.
I have done what I can to keep the peace these last several years. And for the most part, it has worked. But the truth is that it can also be an emotional rollercoaster of moods and conversations. You never know what the mood will be, whether there will be anger or disappointment on the other end of the phone, or a cheerful voice. You don't know if your decisions will be accepted with pride or with disdain. It's as if I am walking on a balance beam and have to defend a push or a shove as I walk. It seems that sooner or later I it is inevitable that I fall, or fail.
As I had a phone conversation the other day, another realization hit. Nothing has really changed. The control, the erratic conversations, the undefined questions. They are all the same. They have a different target these days, but for it to come back to me, all I need is the "right" scenario, and it would happen all over again. And this CANNOT be. How do I begin to protect myself? Do I know how?
Blogging has been very therapeutic for me over the last year. It is refreshing to see how other people deal with life. I have been able to meet some of these people in person and cherish their friendship. Others are miles away, and we will more than likely will not meet this side of heaven. When I was reading on how a fellow blogger responded to the unkind words of her mother, I was astonished at her response. Because she OWNED her feelings and what her mother said did not affect them. I will be 30 this year and I feel like I am finally discovering my independence when it comes to decisions and feelings. I am no longer hiding behind the curtain on the stage, I am building the confidence to stand in front of the audience without trembling.
Reading other people's stories also brings up feelings that I missed out. Missed out on making memories with my dad that I can cherish for the rest of my life. I have the memories of accompanying him to the photo lab. Him occasionally picking me up from school. I realize that having a dad is something that many others envied. I can't take that for granted, but it could have been so much more. I can count on one hand the gifts that I have received my from dad from the age of 5 to the present. A Music Machine record right before my sister was born. A bell from a trip to Canada. The Little Mermaid movie (which my mom thought was evil and didn't want us to watch). The movie Rear Window. Ropers for a western event in jr. high. I cannot think of a single time that he took me somewhere just to go. There was never "let go somewhere together" whether it be the movies, or dinner, or anything. Yes, there was love, but the necessary demonstration of that love was absent. I realize now how important that is to a girl, and how searching for it in others can never really replace it.
The pieces of my life are beginning to be glued back together. Yes, they were broken, by both sets of parents, but they are not ruined. I will not let them be. The pieces will instead become a beautiful mosaic, transformed and changed.
Thank you for being there for me as I go through this journey.
posted by Amstaff Mom | 8:25 AM
7 Comments:
In many, many ways and for many, many reasons, I went to boarding school to escape my parents. I was so wrapped up in their own drama that I didn't know who I was at all. I literately spent ten years running away from my parents - putting thousands of miles between us in the process. Then, I discovered that they continued to effect me no matter how faraway I ran - there are just something that you cannot hide from forever.
It hasn't been easy and I still continue to think of my relationship with my parents as "strained". However, it is generally "functional" now-a-days, as well, which is a much needed improvement. That said, it doesn't take much for it to spiral back to the way it was, and I struggle with that reality everyday. I cannot tell you how many times I think about running away again and starting over. I just have to remind myself that it does no good. Plus, when I run, I lose out because I’m allowing them to have that much control over me and where I end up. I’ve discovered that I can coexist in the same city and still keep my distance, which was a wonderful realization.
Anyway, stuff like this is never easy. Here is another hug for support:
{{{{{{{{AM}}}}}}}}
Deals. You are a great friend, and it's comforting to know that we are in the same boat, together.
I'm looking for the functional in the dysfunctional. It's so hard to break those patterns and chains, because they are your PARENTS.
I commend you for learning to maintain that safe distance without having to run away from it. Because that certainly is the easier way out of it.
Hugs back to you Deals. See? That's why you hugged me that time, you knew I would need it one day in the future!
"There was never "let go somewhere together" whether it be the movies, or dinner, or anything. Yes, there was love, but the necessary demonstration of that love was absent. I realize now how important that is to a girl, and how searching for it in others can never really replace it."
Hm.
You make me think Jcol... My girls are 6 and 2 1/2, but I want to make sure that I demonstrate my love for them... My girls are awesome... they have my heart and I want to make sure they know that.
Haha!
Yes. That hug could have gone one of two ways:
1) Respond the way you did.
2) Be all, "Oh, no. I just got hugged by a complete stranger. Ew."
I'm glad you responded with option #1.
When I first met you back in October, I remember thinking, "She's the kind of person that I could be friends with." Which was a good thing, because before I had you in the RIP (Random Internet Person) category. You never know what you might get with a RIP...a friend? an axe murderer? It's kind of a toss up. But since RR had met you, I figured you must be okay.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm glad you are not an axe murderer.
(Thanks for being my friend...)
Your "walking the beam" thing reminded me of a song. "..and I fell like a girl from a balance beam. A gymnasium of eyes all were holding onto me. I lifted one foot to cross the other and I felt myself slipping. It was a small mistake. Sometimes that's all it takes". Fitting, eh??
Ben McMinn - I know my dad loves me, I really do. But if it had shown that to me - oh, what a difference that would have made. Instead, I started looking for acceptance in other guys, and never really found it.
I have no doubt that you love your girls. Just remember that the time and attention of a daddy is critical in their upbringing. You will do just fine!
Deals - Ya know, I'm glad I'm not an ax murderer either! And I am priviledged to call you my friend as well.
Miss - wow. That is sooooo fitting. Yeah, just one little thing is all it takes. I'm glad someone understands this as much as you do. Although I wish you didn't have to.
Tracey, you are the one that inspired me. Thank you.
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