Tuesday, February 12, 2008


My grandmother went to heaven yesterday morning. My emotions and thoughts have been all over the place since then. I had so focused on not wanting her to suffer any more, but now I realize how much I miss her.

And then I'm reminded on how real the cycle of life is. That I won't see my grandmother's face again, but today I got to see my baby's face. Her little nose, lips. I watched her open her mouth, move her fist to her face, and open her eyes. Her life outside the womb will begin soon.
It's so much to take in.

Goodbye Grandma. I will miss you.

posted by Amstaff Mom | 11:27 AM | 9 comments

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Letting Go

My last grandparent is dying. My grandmother has been on hospice care for a couple of days now and is not expected to make it to the weekend. Her health has declined so much in the last week and every day she looks more and more different. I can't imagine what it is like to suddenly lose a family member. All of my family member's deaths have been expected. But there is also something horrible about watching a human body shut down and waste away. I know where my grandmother is going when she dies, she knows where she is going when she dies. So what is this? This painful, lingering, morphine-controlled day where she must suffer?

But when she goes, I will miss her. And it's a chapter of my life I never looked forward to. Not having any grandparents.

As I feel my baby kicking in my womb, how I wish that Grandma could have seen her. She was so excited about her. Her first great-grandchild. She put her hand on my tummy just two days ago. What a precious moment I pray that I will never forget. It was like passing the baton onto the next generation. My daughter will never know her great-grandma, but I will tell her about her. How even in her last days, she smiled when I told her that I loved her.

It's hard letting go. But she's ready. And now, so am I.

posted by Amstaff Mom | 7:23 PM | 4 comments