back, for awhile

Seeing as it has been OVER a year since I last blogged, I'm not sure that there is anyone out there to read this.

Alas, I will re-cap the last year and then move forward.

I have thoroughly enjoyed my first year of motherhood.
I'm tired more often though.
I've gained weight and am now fastidiously working to shed the "fluff"
I still have struggles.
I feel like I'm constantly multi-tasking.
I love working from home.
I'm not ready for summer.

There. See? You haven't missed much! I am getting ready for my sister's wedding this weekend. Yea! I'm not sure about my shoes though. I just made my first attempt at buying shoes online and I'm not sure if it's all it's cracked up to be. I love getting things delivered, getting letters in the mail, etc. So that's a bonus. But, when I'm shopping at the store, I try on a pair of shoes, crinkle my nose and then put them back. In this case, I open the box, crinkle my nose and then have to make a trip to the post office. sigh. Free returns are great, but they also mean a scheduled trip to the post office. boo. So, I have a pair of shoes that are okay, but I'm not sure they are GREAT. Oh well, that means sending only two pairs back where they came from.

that's all for now. I've got to pace myself.

Proud Mom

Well, after 53 hours of labor and a C-section, my daughter greeted the world. She is a precious gift that I sometimes have a hard time believing is real. The labor and delivery were a bit too real though. They don't call it labor for nothing, and our original plan was to do everything as natural as possible (we're granola like that). We knew that we needed to be flexible and to do whatever would be best for me and the baby. So, after laboring for FIFTY-THREE WHOLE HOURS without any pain medication, and hearing that it could go on for days more, with high risk to both of us, I gladly opted for a C-Section. Within 30 minutes, my daughter's cries filled the room. I know I'm biased, but I think she is beautiful and perfect. I can't even begin to describe the love I have for her.

Tick-Tock

Well, my due date is this Sunday, and so I study my calendar too closely and look at my watch too intently these days. I wake up in the morning thinking "is this the day??" and go to bed at night thinking "is this the night???" With such an easy pregnancy, people would ask me if I was ready to have her yet. Honestly, I wasn't. I was enjoying the 9 months that sailed by, enjoy feeling her move inside me (I still do) and taking time to get adjusted to becoming a mom. So many things to do with the nursery and things to prepare for an additional little person living in your home. But now. I think it's time.

I don't sleep well and it's amazing how much that can affect your day. My body is wondering if it will ever get to shed the extra pounds it has accumulated over these last few months. Simple things like washing my hands in the kitchen sink is difficult because I am *that* far away from the sink and so it requires either bending over at an awkward angle to reach the water or leaning on the counter to wash my hands. (I choose the latter). I eagerly anticipate my weekly chiropractor appts to adjust my back, hips and stubborn rib that is out of place. But why am I complaining? I have the privilege to feel my daughter's movements every single day. Although I look forward to seeing her move outside my tummy and realize "so THAT'S what she was doing in there", I think I will miss the gentle nudges I've gotten so used to.

So, baby girl. Take your time. We'll see you when you're ready to greet the world.

I love you already.

Adjusting

My grandmother went to heaven yesterday morning. My emotions and thoughts have been all over the place since then. I had so focused on not wanting her to suffer any more, but now I realize how much I miss her.

And then I'm reminded on how real the cycle of life is. That I won't see my grandmother's face again, but today I got to see my baby's face. Her little nose, lips. I watched her open her mouth, move her fist to her face, and open her eyes. Her life outside the womb will begin soon.

It's so much to take in.

Goodbye Grandma. I will miss you.

Letting Go

My last grandparent is dying. My grandmother has been on hospice care for a couple of days now and is not expected to make it to the weekend. Her health has declined so much in the last week and every day she looks more and more different. I can't imagine what it is like to suddenly lose a family member. All of my family member's deaths have been expected. But there is also something horrible about watching a human body shut down and waste away. I know where my grandmother is going when she dies, she knows where she is going when she dies. So what is this? This painful, lingering, morphine-controlled day where she must suffer?

But when she goes, I will miss her. And it's a chapter of my life I never looked forward to. Not having any grandparents.

As I feel my baby kicking in my womb, how I wish that Grandma could have seen her. She was so excited about her. Her first great-grandchild. She put her hand on my tummy just two days ago. What a precious moment I pray that I will never forget. It was like passing the baton onto the next generation. My daughter will never know her great-grandma, but I will tell her about her. How even in her last days, she smiled when I told her that I loved her.

It's hard letting go. But she's ready. And now, so am I.

Inhale, Exhale

I'm having trouble breathing today. And eating. It seems that the baby has had a growth spurt faster than my body can adjust and since my lungs and stomach are in her way, they must be sacrificed. Three small meals and many gasping breaths later, I'm tired. By the way, have you ever noticed how many people do not know the difference between "breathe" and "breath"? Just something that catches my attention.

I went to the chiropractor today and when I mentioned that some of my muscles in my shoulders were tender, she asked me if I would like to have a massage as part of my therapy today. MASSAGE!?!? THE MAGIC WORD!?!?! I've been going to this chiropractor/practice twice a week for a month now, and they are absolutely first rate. They have now exceeded all expectations. I had a great adjustment (my hips are starting to shift these days) but then..... oh my word, a wonderful massage. And all I paid was my usual co-pay. She said that they would leave it in my chart for my next appt. I go twice a week, people! Do you know how glorious this is?!?!? I guess you're beginning to notice my excitement by now.

Speaking of excitement, our nursery is coming along nicely - we're completely changing the room and it's really looking sharp. Yea!

Sunday I'll be 30 weeks preggers. It has FLOWN by. I can't imagine how fast it will go when it's single digits. I'm such a planner and the suspense on if she's going to be early, on time, or late is killing me. Such a big date and you have no idea when it will be! Some people do, I guess, if you have a planned c-section or induce, but since we're not planning on either one, it's all up in the air.

Hope everything is going well for y'all.

School's Out

Yes, I'm still alive. My life as I know it is changing, and I'm trying to keep up. It's such a whirlwind at times, and there are moments that are very surreal. Such as this past Sunday, in our childbirth class, and it hits me. I'm in a childbirth class! I'm going to have to deliver a baby! Wow! I have become obsessed with baby registries and bottles and diapers and slings. Yes, these are a few of my (now) favorite things.

I never ever dreamed that I would be excited about learning everything I could about being a mom. I mean really, it was never a dream I had for myself. But God is working on my heart, and frankly, it's been a miraculous change. Sometimes it's still overwhelming, but if He is the one that created my little girl, then I can trust that He will help me through the change of becoming a mom.

Thankfully I was able to finish another class in school last week. I took a Wintermester class, but it's now over and I have kept up my 4.0. I am really excited for the break from school. I still have 7 classes left before I finish my degree, but for now, that's on hold.

I'm getting bigger and bigger all the time, and am now in my third trimester. Whew! It's gone by so very fast. Is there a pause button on this thing? I have books to read and a nursery to finish!

So, that's my latest and greatest. Sorry I've been such a bad friend and blogger for not touching base. It's not due to lack of interest, but simply a lack of time.

TTFN!